ABOUT ME.
DEAR CARETAKER!
I think I feel you. You have a big heart, you care so much. Most people think you’re under control of juggling work, family and your entrusted ones. Making things work out smoothly and without much ado.
In fact many people come to you, cause you always have a free space and an "open ear" when someone needs your help and support. Everyone around you sees you as the confident caring doer and thinks you’re happy.
But you feel probably pretty exhausted. And I’m not talking about the fulfilled-fall-asleep-after-contributing-and-dedicating-meaningfull-work exhaustedness, but the kind of overwhelmed and depleted exhaustion that comes with the eagerness to please everyone around you, to perfect your responsibilities, to push you to do and be better, the feigning and proving you still got everything under control.
EAGER TO PLEASE, PERFECTING, PROVING, PUSHING, FEIGNING.
These caretakers do this because they don't want to feel all these painful, overwhelming, unbearable, negative emotions and feeling...
inadequate
anxious
helpless
disappointed
lonely
restless
sad
disheartened
guilty
unworthy
rejected
frustrated
hurt
tense
apathetic
ashamed
down
fatigued
powerless
out of control
insecure
never enough
...when it comes to:
saying NO
disagreeing
not getting it right or perfect
wanting to make everyone happy and be liked by them
They try and try to shove these negative-overwhelming consuming emotions off the cliff. They try and try to keep up the facade that they are ok, holding it all together. To not get distracted by them, that they can't give up the fight, that others can still rely on them. The feigning that they're not in need of any support, that all is still good, all is under control.
And when they feel the pain of these emotions, they feel crappy and miserable, rejected, not good enough, unworthy. And when they feel this way, they are constantly haunted by negative self-talk, and haunted by bad habits and behavior. And because they don't want to feel this way, they try EVERYTHING to fight these negative emotions.
ignoring
pleasing
numbing
fighting
avoiding
hiding
perfecting
battling
escaping
pretending
masking
pushing hard
proving
distracting
And the vicious ever-repeating-never-ending-battle cycle starts all over.
As they learn how to decipher the messages of their painful emotions, the negative overwhelming emotional pain and internal noise and chaos will cease. They understand that emotions are our hearts' messengers', and that they come to catch our attention. They tell us that something is really urgent. They are like the red lights on the dashboard of your boat. Their purpose is to tell us what we need and what we need to do to change.
Once they deciphered their messages, they have the key to step out of the endless battle with their emotions and their shadow self.
PUSHING HARD, PERFECTING, PLEASING,PROVING, ALL...
to stop feeling the pain.
Ever since my younger days I experienced strong overwhelming distressing emotions. It got worse when I finished University and stepped into the business and working world. Emotions such as anxiety, frustration, hurt and disappointment had been up to this point my constant companions. Keeping me busy and concentrating on my work helped me to keep them under control. This way of trying to handle them wasn’t too bad, because I loved what I was doing (and I didn’t know what else to do with them, and it worked for some time).
I was in the advertising industry and off hours I was volunteering for humanitarian organisations visiting and spending time with the eldery in their retirement homes with my dog. When I moved into the big city to work for well-known and prestigious advertising agencies, I gave up the volunteer work (and my dog joined others over the rainbow). Helping and supporting had brought meaning to my life, it made me happy to see others happy. So my work started to fill that empty spot of meaningfulness of supporting and helping. At the same time it kept me busy enough to push away that constant noise and distraction of these emotions, especially when I couldn't get things done as they should be (at least to my standards), when my work needed to be better (for my bosses or the clients), or when I was trying to put down new project offers because I was already drowning in work (but of course it was a futile attempt as I took them nonetheless, because No wasn't an option...it gave me the chance to prove I was good enough....I wanted to make my clients and bosses happy...you get the gist).
I help caretakers decipher their emotions' messages, and stop the endless conflict they're having with themselves.
Hi, I’m Mirjam Blank and I can do this because what I described above is the caretaker I used to be. I know what it's like because I have tried everything to push my negative emotions off the cliff and to eliminate them. I had spent my entire life being eager to please, perfect, push and prove, so that I wouldn't have to feel this pain. But I got nowhere near getting rid of them or feeling better. It only pushed me deeper into the shadow kingdom.
It was time I stopped battling myself!
It was time I gave my heart a place in my life!
I never noticed that I was overly eager to support, help and make others‘ happy in all my voluntary commitments or jobs (this cycle repeated itself when years later I was voluntarily responsible for PR and marketing of a non-profit therapeutic horse riding association) that I became incapable of saying No to any requests or new tasks, and how this slowly but steadily was eating up my energy, determination and drive (of course I didn't notice this in the beginning at all).
Whenever I denied or put down a request a strong nauseating wave of guilt, shame and selfishness overpowered me, and I could do nothing to keep off the other awful emotions from resurfacing.
There they were again dragging me deeper down into the shadows. I dreaded being devoured by them, and at the same time I wanted to be good enough, do a great job and help others.
Night and day were always combating, and I always hoped day would win.
Because these emotions were interfering with what I wanted, and became at some point nearly uncontrollable, I only saw two options out: either shut them down and ignore and stop feeling them, or be devoured by them. I chose the former. Disconnecting from my feelings and from others, turning to working like crazy, (and other distraction methods), and more work to keep me from feeling "them".
TILL YOU CAN'T HOLD UP THE PRETENSE ANYMORE...
Till you feel you're not getting no air anymore. Till your drive is nearly used up and you feel you can't get your energy and motivation up again. I felt my soul was dying. I wasn't feeling better or enjoying helping and supporting anymore. No matter what I tried, it all felt colourless. It felt like living in h*ll. I couldn’t see a way out. All felt all was out of control.
I knew that I had to massively change. I had reached the end of my capacity of upholding the pretense. I reached the point where I needed to know what it was I did, or didn’t do, that kept me in this destructive cycle over and over again. Not knowing what it was, was eating at me day-by-day. But I still felt this tiny little spark left inside of me, and that spark led me to finally ask the universe for help.
Any help!
I was thru with not being able to say NO to ANYTHING without being consumed by guilt and shame.
I was thru being completely depleted and in constant pain.
I was thru with fighting myself all the time.
I knew that there must be a way out, and I wanted that OUT.
I needed to understand what was keeping me in this vicious cycle and how to break out of it.
If you don’t know why you can't be more positive and why you're consumed by all this negativity, and what is making you lose your inner drive, the cycle never stops.
WHAT I
COULDN'T SEE...
was that I was killing all my hearts' messengers!
By trying to kill my emotions all the time, I was caught up in a waging war day and night. Never ending. Endless. It's extremely exhausting. It's compromising your health and well-being. It's consuming your inner drive!
Furthermore there was fear behind all the guilt, shame, frustration and disappointment that I felt inside of me. Fear played a big role and it served as a strong driver for the decisions and choices I made.
When fear is at play — running also in the background — fear is driving you solely. You lose your agency, and discernment to see things clearly and make the right choices. It consumes a tremendous amount of energy, without you even noticing. All of which is draining your inner drive slowly but steadily, like poison. You become the frog who sits in lukewarm water and then it’s been gradually raised to cooking, without being aware of the process, and you are being fried!
Fear was driving my life and the things that I did, and I was completely unaware of how it was all consuming me.
Keeping me in the never-ending-ever-repeating battle with my emotions and my shadow self.
ONCE YOU REACH THE TIP OF THE HORN, IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET OUT AGAIN.
WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE...
to get out of h*ll, you see light on the horizon. I knew that there were other caretakers out there just like me, who were looking for a way out. Maybe they didn’t had the same story as I did, but I was sure as sh*t that they had been through their own version of h*ll and were facing their own overwhelming emotions and shadow self just like I had.
If you’re still reading and this is you, I want you to know there is a way out, AND to feel empowered again, cause things are indeed in your hands!
It all starts with embracing and deciphering your hearts' messages to you.
Don't kill the messengers!
People-pleasing syndrome, perfecting, proving, pushing hard, distracting, ignoring, numbing, feigning, masking are all tactics and ways to avoid or kill the messengers.
And sometimes it’s the exact opposite of what we know and do, to find the key to unfold the root cause of what’s consuming your inner drive and making you lose control of your life.
But once you give your heart a place, and decode its messages to you, you can break the vicious cycle, and life will take turns beyond everything that you've ever imagined possible!
OH, IF YOU EVEN WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT ME ...
I’m an introvert but most often mixed up with being an extrovert. I’m folksy and all talksy, don’t get me wrong, but you’ll have to keep searching late at night for me, cause probably I’m the one who’s gonna leave the party first. Don’t hate me for it! I simply need and enjoy a lot of ME time. YES! I can take care of myself now without feeling guilty and full of shame.
The sight of seafood gives me goosebumps and lets my hair stand up on end. It feels like the tentacles are still moving and those little eyes are glaring at me. I’ve tried, thanks, but no thanks!
Looking for me? You’ll probably find me covered in dirt from the stable or from mocking out, my horse Jumper will greet ya with a lap up, and I’ll unfailingly offer ya to go on an adventure hike together — oh yeah now it's a horse I'm taking care of!
I'm a business graduate (University of Applied Sciences) with specialization in marketing and communications and worked for years in the advertising industry which included creating award winning and fancy big campaigns.
Want to know all my legit and smarty-pants credentials in health promotion? I volunteered many years for the Red Cross Germany and the Malteser Aid Organisation in Germany as a trained paramedic and visiting and therapy dog handler. I was a board member for a non-profit therapeutic riding association in Austria, and I’m a certified and fully qualified Yuan Qigong I Ren Xue trainer and life coach (Jay Shetty certification school). I am qualified in and work with modalities that are based on disciplines belonging to the Chinese wisdom culture, including Daoism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Qigong, the martial arts and Traditional Chinese Medicine.
